Sterioge.

just an f.y.i. 

i will be sure and try and leave you fun stuff in your pre-ordered books. I spend the holidays, and the winter months alone usually (not this year) but regardless, i spend them out of country (always if possible) and I can think of nothing sweeter than making sure if you spent the money, which i understand you are ALL WORKING YOUR ASS OFF FOR with VERY LITTLE IN RETURN IN PUBLIC SERVICES RETURNED that I will try and pass along as much figurative sunshine in there as I can.

It’s a long heavy book and I recommend people having a hard time sticking to the first and last chapters as 2, 3 and 4 are, how do I say this, from the trenches, from the moments where if I hadn’t had that type-writer I would have had to have gone into someplace where they take care of people who have broken souls.

we all have them.

I learned to forgive that and see that as an indication that everybody can still feel so much and forgive that same thing. It is very human to be so upset and so in love and then so lost.

and the moment, it is infinity. we are here forever in our lives, if for only slowing that second down, and feeling the million tiny years a breath would take if you could make yourself so small as to be a speck of dust on a comet’s tail. and i was.

anyway,

i know things are starting to look scary on t.v. ( i got to stay at a luxury Holiday Inn last night and I saw those people, those people who want to run the country (they don’t- the corporations who fund them do, because they answer to that campaign money) and I saw all that talk ( it’s all talk- nobody can FIX “good” or “evil” as in, nobody can build a lamp and light up the dark space of the universe, or slow down a black hole- which, is probably responsible for our relative time/space being so close- and our “local group” moving in patterns which revolve in a circle and do not destroy us.

the balance. light and dark, night and day, these are immovable.

trust.

go with the kindness, even if it means exposing an awful thing. it too is a lesson and does not have to be repeated if observed. like trying to date me (ha)…. srsly

be brave- my grandparents lived through the Great Depression and this is not that and they managed and MY WORD they were so in love. They ate love for lunch. They had enough left-overs that I go to that refrigerator in my mind and it nourishes me even now at 33, enough so that I can manage to do things like write a book or some days just keep the faith. faith meaning- this means something that I do not understand yet and I should stay quiet and listen and look and create what I can about what I find out. its rather innocent and I am not out-sourcing.

But this fallout/ scare-tactic madness- This is fallout from people getting rich- realizing that if they could separate us all by thinking there were TWO options when voting, and that we were “safe” at home and at the chain-market’s where they buy all the goods from other countries that we would all become CONSUMERS- (zombies) and we would be idle. 

fuck that.

i am not going to stop anything i am doing. i hope you don’t either. 

keep the faith.

and keep moving.

darkness follows light-

light follows always

times infinity

it’s the day off (not for R2) (moi) i always stay busy. it fights depression and i find it a good thing to make stuff. it keeps me healthy and happy.

i have a stomach ulcer i think. i was in so much pain the last 48 hrs and i thought it was a pulled muscle because i have had those from playing metal and from yoga too, (or even just a belated poop- but no, pooped twice) ……sheesh.

anyway/ hi foggy.

it’s sunday. football is on probably i dunno. i don’t do television. i am my own show.

i am making the finished tracks for a secret project for a pal and also doing some stuff for foggy.

foggy does not seem to allow moi to just upload movies anymore at my leisure. which is lame. but i am a slightly art-crazy person and perhaps this is better for everyone.

anyway. tons of love.

R2

now, like if Carrie works out some lazer esp thing device- Miranda goes wild and get’s like armor and falls in with the badguys- then like- the terminators come through becaue somehow, Sarah (i think that is the name of the character in the first movie, Sarah Connor (he goes through the phone book like in the movie in an ACTUAL WORKING PHONE BOOTH (we don’t see many of those anymore) anyway…..she like somehow figures out that Carrie’s writing on a laptop- gave way to bloggin and the terminators were invented on a blog and they have to stop the guy from mentioning it. oh shit……who’s at my door………..

ha jst jking. srsly- i’d see that movie. prob twice even. once in the past and once in the future……..woah

Foggy,

I am so fucking alone. I hate this. And me, with my one thousand distractions, what do they mean. They mean I am alone. Lonely. Insufferable to even myself. It feels awful. But I know who I am and what I am and what I like. And I dislike even thinking about things I dislike for I like things so much I feel like the weight of my own fucking nagging inspiration sometimes feel more like madness. And this is just a place to dump that. What kind of a life is that. And this, this makes it worse. panic attacks, insomnia, needless worry. I can’t handle this machine. Nor can I handle my own heart, it’s dimensions, and what ideas it leads me to. They all dead end. So I am breaking up with the internet. Like Cable before it. Like….well like everything that is not work. Because at least in the work I can disappear and at least feel like something, if only for that moment. I am so serious I bought a ring for myself that I would wear to remember to not ever ever come into this place, where if you are like me, and beyond BEYOND alone not matter how much company or how little, then you would know that this is just a sad relationship. sad. why why do i follow that notion always. it never rains enough in any movie or on any perfect night. when you just say “fuck this” and you give up. give up without walking away. i love the band i am in and music and reading and work and writing and even painting. this is enough. i will learn to take my stupid rat faced romantic guts and remember, i am alone because i chose to be, chose, when it was too late anyway. and i will love. i am taking my computer (foggy) after this posts and fucking smashing it into a thousand pieces for a day never suffered again, telling the world what it should know by now. that i am not ok. and i accept this now. i accept and i quit. i give up. nothing is sadder than a grown man who only lives to dream, then having to listen to him talk about it. that is how i imagine it. and i have enough of that to last a lifetime and i don’t care anymore i am happy and will be grateful to grow old next to a stack of comic books. forever. I hate this computer and must go now. Be smart- Be funny- Make noise- Dream Hard- BE YOURSELF and fuck em if they can’t see the joke.

R