K.O. Computer (goodnight internet)
Foggy,
I am so fucking alone. I hate this. And me, with my one thousand distractions, what do they mean. They mean I am alone. Lonely. Insufferable to even myself. It feels awful. But I know who I am and what I am and what I like. And I dislike even thinking about things I dislike for I like things so much I feel like the weight of my own fucking nagging inspiration sometimes feel more like madness. And this is just a place to dump that. What kind of a life is that. And this, this makes it worse. panic attacks, insomnia, needless worry. I can’t handle this machine. Nor can I handle my own heart, it’s dimensions, and what ideas it leads me to. They all dead end. So I am breaking up with the internet. Like Cable before it. Like….well like everything that is not work. Because at least in the work I can disappear and at least feel like something, if only for that moment. I am so serious I bought a ring for myself that I would wear to remember to not ever ever come into this place, where if you are like me, and beyond BEYOND alone not matter how much company or how little, then you would know that this is just a sad relationship. sad. why why do i follow that notion always. it never rains enough in any movie or on any perfect night. when you just say “fuck this” and you give up. give up without walking away. i love the band i am in and music and reading and work and writing and even painting. this is enough. i will learn to take my stupid rat faced romantic guts and remember, i am alone because i chose to be, chose, when it was too late anyway. and i will love. i am taking my computer (foggy) after this posts and fucking smashing it into a thousand pieces for a day never suffered again, telling the world what it should know by now. that i am not ok. and i accept this now. i accept and i quit. i give up. nothing is sadder than a grown man who only lives to dream, then having to listen to him talk about it. that is how i imagine it. and i have enough of that to last a lifetime and i don’t care anymore i am happy and will be grateful to grow old next to a stack of comic books. forever. I hate this computer and must go now. Be smart- Be funny- Make noise- Dream Hard- BE YOURSELF and fuck em if they can’t see the joke.
R
